When was the last time you ran into someone you preferred not to see?  What thoughts went through your mind and what emotions did you feel?  How did you handle it?

We all have people like that in our lives.  In fact it happened to me just recently.  I was surprised at my reaction.  Stuff from the past I had either forgotten or thought I had dealt with surfaced.  I found myself swallowing hard, composing myself and mustering up the grace to make friendly conversation.  But there was a reserve in my heart and a measure of self protection that was unsettling for me.

Afterward I could not help but sense that God had engineered the encounter to get my attention and that it was not a mere coincidence or happenstance that I was faced with relating to that particular person.  In fact having given a message (Connecting the Dots) several weeks ago about the Jewish patriarch Isaac making peace with his past, I had been sensitized to the necessity of that process in my own life.

Isaac’s story in Genesis 26 of his conflict and rejection at the hands of Abimelech, king of the Philistines, is really not unlike any of our stories when our relationships with people go south.  It thrust him into a season of adversity and adjustments that God ultimately used for good in his life.  My previous blog posts on “Connecting the Dots in Adversity” and “When Adversity Forces a Defining Decision” chronicle that journey.

What I discovered was that Isaac’s story was not complete without the closure God forced upon him after he had settled and forgotten all about Abimelech.  Abimelech shows up unexpectedly, accompanied by both his personal advisor and the commander of his army.  Talk about an intimidating encounter and one that Isaac would have preferred to avoid.  All of the past hurt and personal offense surface immediately and Isaac reacts with “Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?” (vs. 27)  He wasn’t as adept at hiding his emotions as many of us can be when confronted with the remembrance of past wounds in relationships.

But I believe God had arranged that encounter for Isaac, just as He does for each of us, to reveal unresolved issues in our hearts and nudge us toward reconciliation and making peace with our past.  It is a necessary step to enable us to fully enjoy the blessings of our present and move on into a preferred future.  It’s been said that those who war with their past will end up forfeiting their future, and based on biblical principles that is true.

It takes Isaac time, in this case twenty-four hours, to finally come to a place of resolving the issues in his heart that he has with Abimelech.  After his initial negative reaction he puts his best foot forward, engages in conversation and is gracious in providing a feast for them.  But he has to sleep on it before arriving at a full release to genuinely make peace with Abimelech and once and for all bury the hatchet. (vs. 30-31)

Forgiveness is always the linchpin to peaceful resolution of conflict and leaving the past behind.  Arriving at it can take time.  It is often not easy, but with God’s help it is possible.  It is a decision of the will and not an emotion or something a person must feel.  It might be said of forgiveness that we must mouth it until we mean it. 

Many years ago someone sent me a card.  Inside it said, “God is with you in your determination to do what is right.”  That is a very empowering statement, particularly when it comes to willing things we don’t feel like doing.  Forgiveness has been likened to tearing up an IOU.  The action itself carries the power, not the feelings accompanying it.  God’s anointing is upon our actions taken in faith and not our feelings.  Feelings, like a caboose, will eventually follow, but the engine of faith-in-action must lead.

No sooner had Isaac sent Abimelech and his men away in peace, than he got word of an amazing breakthrough.  That very day his servants came to him announcing “We’ve found water!”  I believe it was a sign of God’s blessing upon Isaac for taking the steps he needed to take with Abimelech.  To mark that occasion of his reconciliation Isaac named the well Shibah which means “oath”. (vs. 32-33)  At long last, he had made peace with his past and that well became the proof and reminder that it was a done deal.

How do you know if you have unsettled business with relationships in your past?  You can ask God to show you if you do.  But rest assured, invariably He will bring those people across your path.  You will know it because you will find yourself remembering unpleasant things from your past with them and wishing you could avoid them.  All of us would do well to take it as an opportunity like Isaac did to engage in the process of bringing a once-and-for-all resolution.  The Lord is with us in our determination to do what is right! 

Your thoughts and comments are always welcome.

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We live in a world where the ethical scales that should maintain a proper balance between private disclosure and public exposure have gone awry.  Public exposure more often than not is outweighing and countermanding the Biblical priority of private disclosure.

Hardly a day goes by that we do not hear some breaking news about another celebrity indiscretion, marriage infidelity, business corruption and even church leader hypocrisy. You can insert the current names that come to mind here.  They are the ones who fuel the ratings of likes of TMZ and provide the material for the late night comedians.

Sin gets way too much public exposure!  It’s bad enough in private. And who in their right mind would want their dirty little secrets shouted publicly from the housetops?  (Luke 12:3)

This abrogation of the priority of private disclosure is needlessly devastating the lives of both individuals, and the affiliations and institutions they represent.  However, if things were dealt with properly behind closed doors, much of the multiplied pain and disillusionment could be avoided.  Reconciliation, restitution and restoration would have a much greater chance of becoming a reality. 

Since the Bible is a now book of wisdom for such things, here are three scriptural principles that illustrate the priority of private disclosure over public exposure.  Applying these simple truths can eliminate harmful public exposure, alleviate needless pain and promote healthy  personal lives and relationships.

1. In matters of sin – Private Disclosure Prevents Public Exposure.  The Bible says much about how to deal properly with moral failure and sin.  The clear priority is private disclosure – the confession and forsaking of sin before God and all those who have been sinned against.  Proverbs tells us that “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (28:13)

Dealing with sin quickly through private disclosure can head off the needless embarrassment of having our sins “shouted from the housetops” on the evening news.  That is why the Bible warns “be sure your sin (and the gossip media) will find you out” (Numbers 32:23)  

2. In dealing with offenses between individuals – Private Disclosure MUST Precede Public Exposure.  All interpersonal relationships are tested, disagreements arise and offenses do come.  But again Biblical wisdom pleads with us to make private disclosure the priority.  Jesus said if someone sins against you, first “go privately and point out the offense.” (Matthew 18:15)  And, if you have offended someone the advice is the same – “first go and be reconciled to your brother.” (Matthew 5:24) 

This principle is best summed in “one-on-one or one-on-none!”  In other words, sin and personal offences must be dealt with in isolation between the parties involved.  Exposing such things beyond that limited sphere becomes gossip and slander.  Just imagine how much more peaceful and loving our world would be if we all took this advice.

3. In problem solving  – Private Disclosure Prepares for Public Exposure  This is a great leadership principle – a successful boardroom secret if you will.  When problems must be addressed and solved, the best way to start is do it privately with the key individuals involved – those causing the problem and those who are responsible to solve it. That is why Jesus advised solving your differences with an adversary before you get to court. (Matthew 5:25)

A wise leader once told me regarding high stakes board meetings – “you should always know the outcome of the meeting before you meet.”  There is really only one way to do that.  It requires connecting privately before the meeting with each of the key people who will be involved.  Building a one-on-one rapport and understanding beforehand goes a long way in smoothing the way for conflict-free decisive action.  It not only works in corporate problem solving but also in taking new initiatives.  In a nutshell this principle is “No Surprises!”  Private disclosure goes a long way toward insuring that.

Have you learned some valuable lessons about the priority of private disclosure?  If so please share them.   

Several years ago I had the privilege of officiating at the wedding ceremony of a couple from Kenya, East Africa.  What made the wedding reception so unique was their traditional Kikuyu tribal ceremony of speeches and gift giving.   Members of both the bride and groom’s family, who incidentally had come all the way from Kenya for the wedding, presented gifts to the bridal couple.

As each gift was given, its significance was explained accompanied by an exhortation to the bride and/or groom.  For example, the groom’s family presented to the bride two very large crockery pots with the charge that she always keep them full of food.  In so doing, she would demonstrate a hospitable spirit to all who come to visit, especially from the groom’s family. The bride’s family presented the groom with a beautiful spear and shield with the exhortation that he was now responsible to provide for her and protect her.

To me however, the most ingenious gift of all, were two small stools.  Two small stools were presented to the couple with this encouragement – they are to be stools for communication.  Now by small I mean stools with legs no more than 9 inches long.  The couple was exhorted that whenever they might have marital conflict, that they were to sit down together on those two stools and talk out their problems.  In other words, when in doubt, talk it out!  That’s great advice not only for a happy, enduring marriage, but for any relationship for that matter and it’s Biblical. 

The simplicity of Jesus’ teaching on resolving relationship conflict basically says this;  either go one-on-one or one-on-none. (Matthew 5:23 & 18:13)  Paul explains it this way in Ephesians 4:15.  Rather than allow confusion in relationships, “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ.”  Communicating in love is more about attitude and action than it is about the words we speak.

Those two small stools present a beautiful picture and illustration of this kind of communication at its best:  humble, non-threatening, listening and sharing, eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart.  The stools take on even more significance when you consider that various communication studies have shown that from 55% up to 90% of communication is non verbal, i.e. our actions, body language and facial expression.  That means less than half of effective communication is actually the content (what we share) and tone of voice. 

Just picture what wonder working power the posture of both parties, sitting humbly on little stools facing each other, would be in diffusing conflict.

The genius of such an approach to communication is in the intent.  Being quick to grab the stools and begin communication is imperative.  But the manner in which such communication begins by leveling the playing field, stripping away pride, arrogance, and judgment creates an atmosphere of cooperation and understanding.  Yes, when in doubt talk it out, and if you can, it might be best to do it from a little stool.