Relationships – Page 3

When to Choose to Lose

Communication, Life's Driving Lessons, Overcoming, Relationships / Tom Stuart

The benefit of choosing to lose is not just limited to weight loss. Although in most arenas of life losing carries negative connotations, especially if it is a choice; there are times when choosing to lose is the wisest, most beneficial thing we can do. In fact the Bible spells out some specific circumstances in which we are actually encouraged to choose to lose.

Choosing to lose is not something most people find easy to do. We do not want to lose. However, choosing to lose in a Biblical sense is rooted in a confident trust in God. It is only possible when we yield our expectations and preferred results to Him.

A case in point is when we find ourselves in an interpersonal conflict. Disagreements of opinion have a way of escalating as all the parties involved seek to prove the rightness of their point of view. We naturally associate proving we are right with winning the conflict. But the Bible, in its wisdom, indicates that in some circumstances, the best course of action is to choose to lose.

Some conflicts are ultimately won through choosing to lose rather than choosing to win.

The book of Proverbs gives a number of illustrations of this lose to win strategy in relational conflict. “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.” (26:20) “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (15:1) “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.” (19:11) Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man. But any fool will quarrel.” (20:3)

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The Test of the Golden Rule

Holy Spirit Aha's, Overcoming, Relationships / Tom Stuart

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Jesus (Luke 6:31)

Yesterday my daughter dropped her wallet in a Target parking lot at midday while trying to load her purchases and two little girls into her car. By the time she had returned home, realized it was missing, retraced her steps, talked to Target security, had them verify from their cameras she placed it in her coat pocket at check out, and finally called her credit card company, whoever found the wallet already had two charges on her card, including pumping $75 worth of gasoline into the behemoth they had to be driving.

People who have no sensitivity to the Golden Rule, i.e. can’t put themselves in the shoes of someone who loses a wallet and have the common courtesy to seek to find its rightful owner, really baffle me. Now I’ll admit my initial reaction to hearing about this person without a conscience really made me mad. Ironically it triggered something in me that caused me to violate a golden teaching of Jesus myself by cursing that person rather than blessing them. (Matthew 5:44) It is true that the anger of man seldom produces the righteousness of God and it always amazes me how quickly one can become a Pharisee. (James 1:20)

I am genuinely puzzled however as to what kind of person would have such a disregard for the Golden Rule. Most commonly defined as “doing to others as you would have them do to you” and epitomized by Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself” the so called Golden Rule is not just unique to Judeo-Christian teaching. It is a bedrock ethic of human relationship that is found in every other world religion including Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism and Zoroastrianism.
. . . The test of the Golden Rule is in how a person chooses to apply it. The rule was given as a measure of one’s own life rather than to measure the life of another. Whenever we point the finger at Golden Rule breakers there are three fingers pointing back at us. And that means we must seek to treat them the way we would like to be treated if we were them.

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A Thanksgiving Meditation

Communication, Relationship with God, Relationships / Tom Stuart

There are dimensions of thanksgiving however, that transcend the plain of human reciprocity and move into the realm of the divine. How do we thank someone for something for which it would be impossible to repay? Perhaps it is a parent or other significant person who have invested their lives in benefiting ours. How do we thank someone for the provision of a critically dependent need which we ourselves could never meet? Maybe it is an opportunity, finances, wise advice or simply the emotional support that lifts you from defeat to victory.

Thanksgiving in such circumstances expresses itself best through a humble and grateful acceptance. In many cases it is appropriate to declare our heartfelt thanksgiving through a public affirmation of honor or esteem for our benefactor.

This realm of thanksgiving is of course most fitting in giving praise to God for all He has provided for us. We can never repay Him for the extravagant grace showered upon us as His undeserving and dependent children. But yet He delights to hear the expressions of our thanksgiving and praise for every thing He has done for us. And so with the psalmist it is worth making a commitment to constantly “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name.” (Psalm 100:4 NIV)

But there is yet one other dimension of thanksgiving that transcends them all. It might be called the highest form of praise. And that is thanking someone, especially God, for something you trust them yet to do. Saying “thank you” in advance is an expression of faith. That “thank you,” no matter what the circumstances, releases faith. “Thank you” becomes “the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen.” (Hebrews 11:1) It communicates appreciation more for the person and their trustworthiness, than for the thing given. The Giver becomes the treasure more than the gift. That is the ultimate “thank you” any of us can give.

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Spiritual Crabology

Overcoming, Relationships / Tom Stuart

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love . . . Rejoice with those who rejoice.” Romans 12:10 & 15 (NIV)

I was introduced to this concept years ago by a Mississippi pastor. Being familiar with the fishing industry in the Gulf he described how those catching crabs did not need to put a lid on the container in which the crabs were kept. Naturally one would think that any crab that wanted to, could simply crawl up over the edge and escape. But the curious nature of the crab is that instinctively those in the group reach up and pull down the ones climbing out, back into the bucket. They will not allow one another to break free which sadly seals their collective fate. He referred to that mentality as crabology.

Crabology of course extends to human behavior. It says in effect that “if I can’t be free, neither can you.” It is the tendency to want to downplay, discourage and even disallow someone else from a breakthrough or succeeding at something that we have not experienced. It may be motivated by envy or jealousy, a competitive attitude or simply ignorance as to what is really happening.

Needless to say crabology also has spiritual applications and implications. Paul the apostle addresses this very thing in his letter to the Romans when he said “rejoice with those who rejoice.” This injunction is set in the context of seven verses in which Paul is giving specific instructions to Christian believers as to how to get along with one another. (Romans 12:9-16) All of it is great advice and very much needed, as evidenced by how frequently it has not been heeded.

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Making Peace With Your Past

Communication, Holy Spirit Aha's, Overcoming, Relationships / Tom Stuart

When was the last time you ran into someone you preferred not to see? What thoughts went through your mind and what emotions did you feel? How did you handle it?
We all have people like that in our lives. In fact it happened to me just recently. I was surprised at my reaction. Stuff from the past I had either forgotten or thought I had dealt with surfaced. I found myself swallowing hard, composing myself and mustering up the grace to make friendly conversation. But there was a reserve in my heart and a measure of self protection that was unsettling for me.
Afterward I could not help but sense that God had engineered the encounter to get my attention and that it was not a mere coincidence or happenstance that I was faced with relating to that particular person. In fact having just given a message (Connecting the Dots) about the Jewish patriarch Isaac making peace with his past, I had been sensitized to the necessity of that process in my own life.
Isaac’s story in Genesis 26 of his conflict and rejection at the hands of Abimelech, king of the Philistines, is really not unlike any of our stories when our relationships with people go south. It thrust him into a season of adversity and adjustments that God ultimately used for good in his life. My previous blog posts on “Connecting the Dots in Adversity” and “When Adversity Forces a Defining Decision” chronicle that journey.
What I discovered when I gave my message was that Isaac’s story was not complete without the closure God forced upon him after he had settled and forgotten all about Abimelech. Abimelech shows up unexpectedly, accompanied by both his personal advisor and the commander of his army. Talk about an intimidating encounter and one that Isaac would have preferred to avoid. All of the past hurt and personal offense surface immediately and Isaac reacts with “Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?” (vs. 27) He wasn’t as adept at hiding his emotions as many of us can be when confronted with the remembrance of past wounds in relationships.

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